Growing into an Emotionally Mature Adult
Robyn Black • March 22, 2021
Emotionally Healthy Spirituality Week 7
Today we’re delving into growing into an emotionally mature adult. The last few weeks have led to this. Obviously we cannot be mature if we’re not authentic. We cannot be emotionally mature while we refuse to be honest about the impact of past events on our present way of being. We cannot go on to maturity if we get to the wall and give up entirely. We cannot go on to maturity if we do not face the reality of our grief and losses and mourn them properly. And we cannot go on to maturity if we refuse to cultivate a life of solitude and quietness and reflection and rest, which Sabbath and the Daily Office help us to do.
Now, regardless of our biological age, we are at different stages of emotional maturity. We can be in our thirties or forties physically, and yet be emotionally a teenager or infant. Here’s a description of the 4 emotional stages we find ourselves in. See which of these you identify with most:
Emotional Infants • Look for others to take care of them • Have great difficulty entering into the world of others • Are driven by need for instant gratification • Use others as objects to meet their needs
Emotional Children • Are content and happy as long as they receive what they want • Unravel quickly from stress, disappointments, trials • Interpret disagreements as personal offenses • Are easily hurt • Complain, withdraw or become sarcastic when they don't get their way • Have great difficulty calmly discussing their needs and wants in a mature, loving way
Emotional Adolescents • Tend to be defensive • Are threatened and alarmed by criticism • Keep score of what they give so they can ask for something later in return • Deal with conflict poorly. • Become preoccupied with themselves • Are critical and judgmental
Emotional Adults • Are able to ask for what they need, want, or prefer--clearly, directly, honestly, respectfully • Recognize, manage, and take responsibility for their own thoughts and feelings • Can, when under stress, state their own beliefs and values without becoming adversarial • Respect others without having to change them • Give people room to make mistakes and not be perfect • Have the capacity to resolve conflict maturely and negotiate solutions that consider the perspectives of others
There’s a parable in scripture that can teach us something about emotional maturity and love. The Good Samaritan is well known to many here. We read about a guy who asks what he has do to inherit eternal life and Jesus says ‘well, what do you think?’. He says ‘well, You gotta love God with all your heart, all your soul, all your strength, and all your mind.’ And, ‘Love your neighbour as yourself.’ ‘Dead right’, says Jesus. But then maybe thinking there were some people he’d just as soon not have on the neighbour list to love, the man seeks clarification and says, ‘but who is my neighbour?’ This is Jesus’ reply. Luke 10: 30-37 (NLT)
“A Jewish man was traveling from Jerusalem down to Jericho, and he was attacked by bandits. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him up, and left him half dead beside the road. By chance a priest came along. But when he saw the man lying there, he crossed to the other side of the road and passed him by. A Temple assistant walked over and looked at him lying there, but he also passed by on the other side. Then a despised Samaritan came along, and when he saw the man, he felt compassion for him. Going over to him, the Samaritan soothed his wounds with olive oil and wine and bandaged them. Then he put the man on his own donkey and took him to an inn, where he took care of him. The next day he handed the innkeeper two silver coins, telling him, ‘Take care of this man. If his bill runs higher than this, I’ll pay you the next time I’m here.’
“Now which of these three would you say was a neighbour to the man who was attacked by bandits?” Jesus asked.
The man replied, “The one who showed him mercy.”
Then Jesus said, “Yes, now go and do the same.”
The emphasis on this word “do” is an action word that means go and live this way.
The road from Jerusalem to Jericho is a desolate and tough place in climate. It descends 3300 feet as you wind your way from Jerusalem, It is a very narrow and dangerous road with lots of caves. The man is beaten up, he has been abandoned and left there to die. The Priest and the Levite come along. The Priest and Levite know the Bible. Their whole life is set aside to love and serve God, but they see the man and do nothing. We don’t know why. Maybe they thought he was dead, and if they touched a dead body they couldn’t serve in the temple that week. Maybe they may have been worried that there were still robbers in the caves and they could’ve been beaten up. Maybe they had a lot on their minds. The point is that they kept going. What is clear is they had disconnected spirituality from loving well. Our reading says “Then a despised Samaritan came along, and when he saw the man, he felt compassion for him”.
Despised…that’s a strong word isn’t it? Jews and Samaritans hated each other and were in essence 2 races, 2 different religions with 2 political views. Jews saw Samaritans as second class and not worthy of the Kingdom of God. They were seen as dirty, inferior, untrustworthy, disgusting. But the Samaritan had ‘Compassion” This is the key phrase of the entire parable because the Priest and the Levite had no compassion. Oh, they had learnt about love in the scriptures but it was just an idea for them. The word “compassion” is about a feeling in your stomach, like a wrenching in your stomach you can’t ignore. The Priest and Levite had head knowledge about ‘love your neighbour’, but the Samaritan let love impact him. He actually did something.
When I in training college Dean Smith spoke about a book by the Jewish theologian Martin Buber, called I and Thou. And he said that the human tendency is to look at people as an, “it.” He said, healthy mature adults don’t see people as ‘it’s’, we see people as made in the image of God. But sometimes we don’t see the individual and their sacredness. Sometimes at Uni we might have been doing a group assignment and we view the others as ‘its’. We don’t really care what their story is, we just want them to do their bit so we can do well in the assignment. They are a means to an end.
We may view people from different cultures as ‘its’ or different life styles as ‘its’. We don’t relate to them, we don’t see them as individuals and we don’t really want to understand their situation. Or we help out someone with toys at Christmas but they don’t seem grateful and they don’t come to church, so we give the toys a miss next year. Perhaps being kind to them was a means to an end…I’ll give you something, but really the expectation is that you’ll come along and join us. The Samaritan sees this man and doesn’t see him as an object. He sees them as someone made in the image of God and he enters his world.
However, he also keeps a sense of himself and his own boundaries.
The Samaritan doesn’t have all of the talents or gifts needed to help this man. Notice that while he stops on the journey to care for the man, he then takes him to the inn but doesn’t bring the guy home. The Samaritan actually goes on his way and continues his journey. He spends his money but he doesn’t give the guy his credit card. He comes back and pays what is needed and he does enough to save the half dead guy. The little bit that he has he is willing to give any save the guys life but he also holds onto his life and continues on his own journey.
What if the Samaritan had brought the half dead man home to his house and then he stayed for six months and then he began to resent him? His wife divorces him and his kids are distant because they never see him and the Samaritan no longer picks anyone up anymore.
We can’t be everything to everyone and we need to know our limitations and boundaries. There’s many an Officers kid or ministers kid who is been resentful and angry at God and the church, because they never saw their parent…they were always out ministering to others. The Samaritan saved the beaten up guy, but he also attended to his own journey and life.
Seeing people and entering another’s world, also comes at a cost. For the Samaritan it cost some time and some money and maybe some reputation depending on who knows that he picked up this enemy off the side of the road. If we want to love well we have to recognise that it will come at a cost and it does take sacrifice. This has been our Self Denial Appeal and we give because we love. There’s a cost, a sacrifice. You’re asked to give over and above your regular giving and we do, because we can’t just walk past another in need. We stop, we enter their world through the videos, and there is a cost to us.
But the truth is, we are good to others because God has been good to us. We love others because God loves us. Jesus always integrated the love of God with the practice of loving people. Pete Scazzero says, one of the greatest gifts we can give the world is to be a community of emotionally healthy adults who love well. This will take the power of god and a commitment to learn and grow and break with unhealthy destructive habits that go back generations in our families and culture.
Sermons For The Moment
New Year - Matthew 2:13-23
Do not be afraid - Matthew 1:18-21
Luke 2: 4- 15
Luke 1: 26-33
This is a subtitle for your new post
Ruth Chapter 4
Ruth 3
Ruth 2
Commitment from Love, Ruth 1: 1-18
Jesus speaking to the disciples says, ‘Very truly I tell you, one of you is going to betray me. The Thirteenth chapter of the Gospel of John is a high velocity chapter, in my opinion. Headline after headline, The Last Supper is the feature article we know best, but then, there is Jesus washing the feet of the disciples to very mixed emotions. Then comes Jesus teaching regarding sacramental service and how he anticipates the disciples proper treatment of others. Iscariot’s predicted betrayal was mentioned, then Jesus speaks of The New Commandment followed closely on the same evening by Jesus warning and prediction of Peter’s denial of Jesus. A big night around the dinner table for everyone there, and a momentous series of events to unfold within the following few days. A lifetime of indelible memories for the disciples as the plans and purposes of God are revealed in the next few days. For the crowds who were present to witness this occasion many people must have found it mind blowing simply too hard to grasp…..all the events were miraculous, certainly, other worldly, certainly, and still today a full comprehension still eludes us without the exercise of a simple faith. I may not completely understand the ways of God…but I do trust God to be God. I’m okay with that and so is God! Earlier this week the media was full of conversation and speculation about how people were going to celebrate ‘freedom day’ (Monday 11th) the stroke of midnight was overwhelmed by pictures of mobs going to licensed premises to make pigs of themselves at the bar, the pokies and other gaming tables and screens. I’m afraid for me seeing the behaviors of people within the first twenty-four hours of so called freedom day was just a concentration of many days in the past 5 to 18 months. We saw many distorted ways for people to tell others how bad off they are and how tough their life has been at the hands of an uncaring and indifferent Government be it State or Commonwealth. The elusive quality many should be turning their attention to is their lack of ‘insight’. I find it sad even tragic when so many fail to recognise within themselves widespread disregard, disrespect and even indifference for human life, who are being driven by fear and selfishness. The restrictions introduced Internationally we call ‘lock down’ or stay at home directions, work from home, home schooling, click and collect, shopping on line for anything and everything on a shelf or in a shop. GP’s consultations on line, pharmacy requirement, prescriptions on line and chemists delivering. Most of what we needed and wanted was accessible one way or another with one important exception in my case….haircuts! Robyn offered…several times….and so did my daughter Keren. Freedom week got me a seat at the hairdresser on Thursday following several visits and several hours in a queue. The last haircut was just before the hairdresser went on maternity leave, she was back at work this week, her child is learning to drive now….its been a while. All four of my grandparents had died by the time I was in my twenties with only one of them really known by us and she was amazingly patient, durable, gracious, kind, and very warm and loving. A grandfather had served in both world wars and with some of his family migrated from a poor place to Australia during the Great Depression for a better life, and got it. There’s nothing unique about my family and nothing peculiar to Australia, this story of overcoming hardship, grinding poverty, widespread sickness and misery was known to millions upon millions over the world. You and I do not hail from the hordes of angels, we hail from the ordinary everyday variety of people who have populated the earth, not from those who live a charmed life. We however have a nature and a soul bestowed upon us by God the Creator of All, capable of kindness, compassionate and loving service. If you haven’t seen the real unspoiled nature of humanity at work, seek out the stories of your family, if you have grandparents, great grandparents, uncles and aunties who were born before the 1950’s talk and research and discover the strength and fiber of your inherited humanity. This does come with a warning however, be prepared for a surprise. The old expression, ‘I am today, what all my yesterdays have made me’, carries a great truth, but at best it can only convey part of your story. We are human with all the accompanying peculiarities……BUT we are more, much more. We are reading from the Gospel of John today, and I must admit, this is the Gospel I always turn to first. John 8:12 ‘when Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, ‘I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.’ Please take some time to ponder these words and how they are directed to you, this is personal. If you don’t think Jesus words are directed to you today…..then who is He speaking to? We have a guide to lead us so we can find our way. Our wisdom is to look to Him, and absorb His Spirit and apply that to all our circumstance of life. **We do have a guide for life and life for us each would be not only more **harmonious but we would be more fulfilled, we would truly know from **personal experience what Jesus means by applying the bowl of water and **towel in the Sacrament of Service. With such a sure guide in the world in does seem odd to me why many, many more people don’t follow the light of God. Humanity might have made greater progress faster than we have. Let’s get back to John 13: 21 before someone pulls the Zoom plug out of the wall. Before going in to hospital, I decided to help myself a bit by sorting and packing our books (700). However, there is one shelf still crammed full. No prize for guessing, they are cook books also I watch cooking shows on TV, UTube etc. Cooks often ask the guests on the show about their favorite meal, even what would they ask for if they knew this was to be the last meal. Two surprises, Ice Cream is a biggy, a multitude of flavors and trimmings. The second surprise has been simple meals like mum or grandma used to cook. This is when you discover food is a lot more than for just eating. I’ve never heard of anyone asking for Brussel sprouts or Kale. During these conversations about favorite foods we often hear about the significant people in their life, who were their great influences, those that bough much joy and kindness, those who were able to console, challenge and encourage even those who inspired love and gently directed people on to life in its fullness. Rarely do we hear about those who instilled fear or humiliation, distrust or dislike. Generally, we don’t gather people to the table who broke our hearts or spirit, crushed our dreams or betrayed our trust. Just before Jesus went to a garden to plead with His Father for another way out of His looming death, He invited 12 of His closest friends to join Him for Dinner, one last time. As the wine was being passed around the table Jesus dropped a bomb by announcing to them all, He knew one sitting at the table would betray Him and another would deny Him. What a stir, what a turmoil within each one as they declared their innocence, they all said it wasn’t them. Jesus knew in a few short hours He would be handed over to be crucified. A final meal together and Jesus could have chosen others but He chose the group closest to Him, including the ones He knew would soon betray and hurt Him. My last meal. Your last meal. Who would be on the invitation list? Why Jesus? What does this mean? This is what love does.